Thanks to @jan [https://geekcompass.com/@jan] for the hint to @aaronpk [https://aaronparecki.com/aaronpk]’s https://github.com/aaronpk/Static-Maps-API-PHP [https://github.com/aaronpk/Static-Maps-API-PHP]

It took me literally 15 minutes to deploy this thing to @ubernauten [https://uberspace.social/@ubernauten] and now I have beautiful maps without any JS: https://bascht.com/posts/2021/11/08/feringa-caf%C3%A9bar/ [https://bascht.com/posts/2021/11/08/feringa-caf%C3%A9bar/]